Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
