Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Gay?
German.
Pity.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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