what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Randomize
