You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
