I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
