he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
