I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
