There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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