So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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