If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
