someone get that fucking seahorse.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
