Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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