i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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