I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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