Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm just crazy horny about you
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
