I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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