I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
