I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
