i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
You're like the curious george of whores
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
