i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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