You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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