today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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