ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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