you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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