Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard