i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.