in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
