I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
