Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize