Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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