Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
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She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
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Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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