Me too!
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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