Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
