i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Randomize
