I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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