her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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