She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
My bed smells like the plague
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
