alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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