i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
is that a dick in a sweater?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
