Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
