just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
