His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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