I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
