My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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