You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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