This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
