k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
