Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
