If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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