I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize