i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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