Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
