Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
