last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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