Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
