I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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