I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
