Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
