Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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