I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
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