I think I died a long time ago.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize